One Step At A Time

I did it.
I got on the scale this morning.
It wasn't pretty!!
I think I heard my scale weep just a little bit. 
I joined it.

But it's ok.  This is where I am and I can't change that at this moment.  But it will change.  It takes time.  I will be gentle with myself and take one step at a time.
This week my goal is to think before I eat - no mindless eating.

They'll be many more steps to take - jounaling my eating, getting my 8 glasses of water a day, exercise (why does that always sound like a dirty word to me?) and so on..  But life is a journey and this is part of it.

My mini goal is to lose 5 pounds, however long that takes.

Well I'm off to prepare for our 5 year old friend that's coming over for a playdate.... That's gotta be worth a pound ;)

Bad Choices or No Choices?

First off - thanks so much to all of you gals who were so kind to leave words of encouragement last week.  I can't tell you how much it means!!

This morning as I was packing my older son's lunch/snack bag for school I was thinking of the things I needed to get done today:
put away laundry (don't mind the washing/drying/folding but it's the putting away that I don't like - anyone else?)
finish preparing for Bible study tonight (leading a great group of gals through the book of Philippians)
wash floors (I'm sorry floors I've neglected you)
spend time with boys!! (needs to be a priority - easy to get 'busy' with other stuff that's not nearly as important)
schedule eye appointments (I think/hope we are done with snow - I've made 3 appointments and had to cancel due to snow each time)

and so on...

But as I was in my thinking haze, I sort of.. came to.  As I did I realized I was stuffing my face full of popcorn - finishing up what was left in the bag I had popped for my son's snack.  Now popcorn isn't terrible, but the thing is I wasn't even really aware I was doing it.  It's not like I looked at it and made a choice that I wanted to eat it - that it was worth the calories for me first thinkg in the morning.  It was midless eating.

This whole 'mindless eating' thing has become a big problem for me lately.  It's one thing when you make a choice - good/bad or indifferent.  At least you thought about it and can then either say, 'yay me - nice job' or 'oh gosh, better think twice about doing that again - better choice next time.'  But when you eat mindlessly.. well... I guess I find that far more frustrating than making a bad choice because it's like I gave myself no choice at all.

I need to re-train myself to make sure I think before I eat another bite!  I don't want to keep packing pounds back on because I daze out and shove things into my mouth without a thought.
This is my main goal for this week.

I will think before I eat!

Gonna weigh in shortly.  Haven't done that in quite a while.  I need a base from which to start.  I'll face it, wipe away the tears, and use any sadness or frustration I feel to become a positive to encourage me to press on!

Tomorrow I will write about what inspires me to want to do this.  To make taking care of myself a priority.

It's time to get #1 son off to school.  Have a great day everyone and make good choices!!

Frustrated, Fat and Failing (wow - how depressing)

First let me start by saying it is soooo time to change the look of this blog.  The snowflakes have got to go!  Do I hear an amen?!!

Well folks, my worst fears have come true.  As has happened every time I have tried to change my life in the past, I lost 40 pounds and have now successfully put 12 lbs back on!!  I'm back up a size and even those are starting to get a bit uncomfortable.
That feeling of waking up like a blob... well that's back too.

WHY WHY WHY do I do this every stinkin' time???
My frustration with myself is through the roof!  It's a vicious cycle.  I get angry at myself for my bad choices and weight gain so I stress, cry, eat (repeat repeat repeat).

It seems like it should be easy, doesn't it?  If you feel gross and hate yourself for gaining weight then stop.  Just stop.  Stop overeating.  Stop making terrible choices - or even worse, mindless eating where there aren't even any decisions being made.  Start moving, get off your fat back side!!  Ughhhhh!!!

I know what to do.  I know how to do it.  I CAN do it.  So why don't I?

I'm dreading the weather warming up.  What am I going to wear?  I'm going to be the chick in a turtle neck and jeans again trying to hide myself as if piling layers of clothes will distract people from realizing that there are rolls of fat hiding beneath.

I don't even know what to say to myself.

Has anyone gone through this same thing and actually found a way to get on track and stay there?  I mean REALLY stay there.  Endurance.  Longevity.  Truly a lifestyle change.  If you have, PLEASE share!!

Is anyone even reading me any more since I've neglected you so?...